Self Talk
Self-talk includes the chatter in our heads. It’s mostly on auto. We can’t choose our spontaneous thoughts and feelings. But we can choose how we receive them.
It would be great if we didn’t take them personally, but we react to them all the time. We react with thoughts, feelings and body states to the original, spontaneous thoughts and feelings.
You will notice patterns in your self talk, both in what gets said and in the tone of voice.
Often the scripts haven’t been revised for years. They rattle along the same old tracks because, though they may be painful, at least that gives stability and consistency. In the fluid experience that is human consciousness, stability is a refuge.
The tone of voice is worth noticing. Usually it will be trying to help, but it may be nagging or critical. This will wear you down.
We can wind up with habits of self talk that are limiting or harmful.
An example - ‘Try harder’
In our culture ‘try harder’ is a common theme. In an effort to improve we focus on our shortcomings. This has got us out of trouble in the past, but using it all the time is depleting.
Something to try… Do this slowly, in small steps. At first it may only be possible to do the first or second step. If you like it, practice every day.
- Think of someone you love, living or dead. Find the kindest phrase you can and say it to them silently. Eg, “May you be at peace” or “Be happy my darling”. As you say it, feel the state of your heart full of love.
- Now say the phrase slowly to yourself, this time wishing yourself well… Notice what happens. Say it again and gently get used to what actually does happen - perhaps a contraction or a recoil.
- The contraction is trying to protect you, but you may not need protection right now (assuming you are speaking with real kindness). Say hello to the type of contraction you noticed and reassure it that you’re ok. Now bring the same kindness to the contraction itself.
- Repeat.
Exercises like these explore a different kind of self talk and help us find safety in our own company. We are born with an ability to receive love. With patient repetition you may discover what this ability feels like in your own heart. How kind does your tone of voice want to become? With practice you can find a place in your heart that rests in being kind to yourself and others.